hi y'all. it's been a long time since i've really touched this website besides the occasional scouring and the (always late) updates to my song of the week. i'm really sorry about the absence ... i know on this side of the web it's typical, but it still has a special awkardness to it.

i'll be frank and honest: my partner system has been in and out of hospitals since literally new year's day. i've been worried sick about them. for the first and last week of january i spent my time sleeping in their hospital room, and february, i spent the last half of the month stuck in my bed, missing them, hoping they were okay, waiting for them to ring my number again from the mental ward.

it's been tough. any of my time on the computer has been used mainly to keep myself sane.

they left the ward this wednesday. hopefully, for good. i'll likely still be spending some months focusing on their life first, on all our lives second, and our friends' and family's lives third. this website means so much more than i could say in a blog post, but with so many important things happening, it still, thusly, makes fourth priority on the list.

i'll still be updating as i am now - slowly. if you need to reach me ASAP, my discord (soda2003) and my email (theponysoda@keemail.me) are your best bets; until then, i'll catch you when i catch you!

for a last bit, i wanna get lighthearted ... so, like, the exorcist, right? fuck me. i love that movie. and the exorcist iii too. william peter blatty is the writer of the century to me. (and bonus, my totally gorgeous wife is in it ... she doesn't check my site, but hello, damien! ♪ ) eddie recently bought the books - first the exorcist a few months ago, and only a few days ago came legion (the book exorcist iii is based off of) came in the mail. utterly fantastic books. and i thought the movies changed my life...! god. god!!!! i really needed something to get me back into reading more frequently and it truly did happen. maybe a little too hard because i can't stop thinking about it. don't look at that ok

ok i love you. bye :]

it snowed today. just a little, but it dusted every surface. two, one and i all walked over to the park by the house and watched it fall. one and i had a nice talk about moving on from her past mistakes. i really love those two, and of course i love my partner system as a whole to bits ... i remember when it started snowing last year and i just lost my mind with joy. it felt so peaceful and so wonderful to move somewhere happy and safe, with the cherry on top of seeing snow totally coat the ground for the first time in many years. it doesn't feel any different this year. it still feels so perfect to run outside barely clothed to watch the snowflakes float down from the sky, like a kid on christmas day. calling out their names through the front door so they come see it with me. it's perfect.

forecast says it'll probably snow again tomorrow. has a chance to keep up during the rest of the week, too, but that might just be wishful thinking on my part. i can hope.

i'm finally visiting my family! i've been moved away for about a year now, living with the motherboard and their father. we haven't had the money or time slot for me to go back down there ... but we do now! i'm so impossibly excited!!!

it's been a bit of a rough start today and there's some actual important stuff to be done down there ... and it makes me pretty nervous. but i'm always a "let it pass" type of person. or maybe just dissociative. not sure. whatevs! i'm just happy to finally see my parents and sisters in person. i really miss pushing my little sister around, lol.

the thing i'm most nervous about is i have to get some documents around. for a lot of personal and happenstance reasons i don't currently have my ID card. i'm just kind of terrified that one little slipup will cause me to go another full year without proper government documentation, that i'll have to wait another full 12 months for something most people consider totally basic. that shit really drags on you. we're a struggler for money and i'd like to help out with a job ... which i can't get without an ID. idk, it's just really hung on my conscience for like 3 years now where no matter what i did it just never happened. maybe now, though. i really pray it happens this time.

serious stuff aside ... it's my birthday on monday! i can't wait to spend a few hours with my family then before we gotta head home. the vacation is a bit like a birthday celebration. making it a full 21 years is a real big thing to me. we're (hopefully) gonna go to the aquarium ... i mean, looking at my website, you can really tell just how much i love water. to say i'm absolutely fucking stoked is genuinely an understatement!!!!!!!!!! like, holy shit!!!!!!!!!! the aquarium!!!!!!! god almighty!!!!!!

thanks for reading, and i love you very much. this one's been writ on my phone so sorry for any mistakes HAHA. i've only got a few hours before we leave and i'm currently not at the house. byebye!

i've been really struggling with sleep schedules lately - and taking care of myself and schedules in general. it's one of those things where i really want to, really genuinely!, but just ... can't seem to. today, though, i got somewhere good. i fell asleep at around 9 pm after a relatively nice day. i read to two and eddie just beforehand. eddie recently got us the exorcist novel, a thrifted print from ~1974. i've been fucking loving the thing, and two seems to really like hearing me read (they've been really wonderful and it seems like they'll be a frequent fronter in the motherboard!). then, we slept. at first i fought it like i always do, but this time i just got ready and let go. it was a bit restless, still fighting myself, but i slept great otherwise, and woke up damn early - 3 am! i love waking up early, though, and just spent some time by myself. occasionally leaned over to bother or kiss or tousle the hair of the motherboard. ate something small.

now i've got an energy drink, they're both awake, and i'm really feeling energized in a way i haven't been able to the past couple of weeks - hell, maybe months. i really hope i can keep it this way and can start taking better care of myself; even if it just lasts a couple months, it'll be worth it, and it'll make a lasting impression on my body too. the body will always remember. even if i can't always keep routine up, even if i get too sore and tired ... i hope my body knows i'm still learning to love it.

hi everypony! i finally got around to coding a blog page! i'll tell you now, these will probably end up being super long ... hope you like reading, lol! thx for checking them out!